I Am Gay And HIV Positive, I Want To Die–Nigerian Man Cries Out!
I received this email from an anonymous individual claiming to be HIV positive and wants to die. I was shocked reading it. I have decided to share it on the platform so you guys can see how to help, please read:
My name is Shedrack, a Nigerian. I am into events management and decorations. I tested positive to HIV two years ago, and ever since then, it has not been easy for me, trust me. Life has been particularly hard, coupled with who I am as a gay man living with HIV in Nigeria, dealing with the secrets and all, as you have to be very selective about the kind of people that you discuss HIV issues with, given the stigma associated with the disease.
When I tested positive to HIV two years ago, it was a big shock for me. I couldn’t believe it, even though I have done some pretty nasty things. And it will surprise you that even at age 21, I never knew that one could contact HIV through having unprotected anal sex. And this I did several times with different men, all because I thought I was having fun. Even when the conversation was brought up at a certain time amongst my peers, about contacting HIV from unprotected anal sex, I argued about it, claiming that anal sex was completely safe. Somehow I felt that gay sex is not sex.
When I received my confirmation result, I cried for almost an hour like a baby, literally shaking, feeling like everything was over for me, my whole life, coupled with how I already hated myself for being gay. I said in my mind “Me, HIV?” I quickly blamed my sexual orientation, and somehow, some parts of me still do, especially as it has been said by many that homosexuality causes HIV and a curse from God for homosexuals, some are calling it an end time disease for end time evil practices. I get it, this is Africa and everything is associated to demons and spiritualized. But my major problem now is that, I seriously hate myself. I feel like I am a living curse – Like I caused everything that has happened to me. Nothing seems to be working out anymore. I feel dirty, like the whole world is turning or has turned against me. I am a homosexual living in this shit-hole called Nigeria.
I am currently not on any medication, as I have been going for prayers, hoping that God will change my situation. I am a born again Christian now. [At least I think so], seeing as I have said the sinners prayers. I am seeking for Christ’s mercy. But I feel like I have done so much and cannot or never be forgiven, especially as I am struggling with changing my sexual orientation, and hoping on God for a cure. Even though many has claimed that these things I seek can never be achieved. I feel like I have reached my peak. Some say I am depressed, while others are saying that I have too many problems. I can’t discuss my situation with anyone, as I will be mocked and ridiculed, I tried telling someone once and it was indeed a very bitter experience. And I do not wish to try again. I have become withdrawn from the world and I am always very alone and scared, life makes no sense to me anymore. I want to just… disappear, I want to go some place peaceful, I am welcoming death, silence, and calmness. I want to vanish, I want to die, I am tired.